A guide on exactly how to meet a kinky partner to share your fetishes
Do you have a fetish? Into the idea of being dominated? Want to do the dominating? Into rope? Latex? Feet? Chains? Whips? Chastity? Gags? Or just something more sensual?
Does it feel impossible to meet someone who is into kink at the same level you are? Like nobody nice and normal is into what you’re into. Is it even worth trying?
Have you tried discussing your fetishes with previous partners? Did you give it a go for a while? Before it all just fizzled out?
If you did meet someone kinky, are you concerned that you’d just have to put up with a dickhead for the sake of getting your kinky desires fulfilled?
Would you believe me if I told you that meeting someone kinky perfectly possible? You really can find someone who’ll share your fetishes and also is decent, respectful and ethical.
In this post, I’m going to tell you exactly how I did it.
Six years on, I’ve been tied, done the tying, been spanked, done the spanking, topped, bottomed, been pegged and plenty, plenty more. (And waffled on about it here.)
Read this, follow the steps and I guarantee with a little patience and a little courage, you WILL find someone.
Joining the Fetish Scene
The fetish scene is where this all starts
One of the best ways to meet a kinky partner is through the fetish scene.
Everyone I’ve ever met who joined the scene found a kinky partner. I need to emphasise again that it will take a bit of effort and it will take a bit of time.
Believe me when I say that once you’ve met people and lived out all your fetishes and kinky dreams. All the effort of when you first started out will be 100% worth it.
I’m not claiming to be an expert at all this; I’m just going to explain exactly what worked for me, plenty of people I know and what I would say to anyone starting out.
The ‘fetish scene’ isn’t dirty old men in dingy, dark warehouses whipping and tying anyone who enters their lair. It’s a strong community of like-minded, sex-positive adults who celebrate consensual kink and fetishes.
Everything in the fetish scene is based on consent. Those who do not respect the rights and consent of others do not last long.
Couldn’t I Just Meet Someone Out In The Real World and Share My Fetishes With Them?
It is possible, you could meet someone in the conventional way.
Tinder, Plenty of Fish, OKCupid, at work, the pub, the gym, ‘on a night out’. You could discuss your fetishes with them and they might be into what you’re into.
The trouble is they might not be that into it. It may last a little while before they get bored, turn to you and admit that it ‘doesn’t really do it for them’.
If you meet someone the conventional way and they are up for trying kink, they may not respect the core values of BDSM such as the top/bottom dynamic, safe-words and consent. Not because they’re necessarily horrible and evil but because they may not be educated on these matters.
I’m really not saying it’s impossible… but it is harder.
If your kinks really matter to you then it really is worth taking the time to meet someone you’re compatible with.
The best way is through the ‘fetish scene’.
Shall I Just Message Kinky People Online?
Fellas, why not get on Instagram, find some kinky ladies on there, message them and ask if they’re up for it? If you message 1000, one might say yes.
Don’t ever, ever, ever do this!
Female identifying people get hundreds of sexual messages from desperate blokes. Why would they ever consider talking to someone they’ve never met who is telegraphing to them that they only see them as a fetish delivery service.
Sending sexual messages to random women online is harassment. Don’t ever, ever, ever, ever do it. Even on a kink and fetish based website like FetLife.
Aside from the harassment… It doesn’t work.
There is a much, much better way.
Become part of the community and you’ll never have to send random and unsolicited messages ever again. This is why joining a community works and matters.
(I’m going to say it one more time. Gents, don’t send any DM’s to ladies you don’t know on FetLife, Twitter, Bebo, Instagram or whatever the future equivalent may be. They don’t read it and think “ooo, a man has offered to meet up with me how exciting”. They read it and just think you don’t give a shit about them as a person. I’ll say it again, don’t do it. Ever.)
Why Community Matters
First, so many more opportunities for kinky fun will open up for you through knowing kinky people in real life.
Secondly, it’s likely that if someone is on the scene and they’ve got lots of friends then they’re probably a decent and ethical person. That’s the good thing about the fetish scene, people look out for each other.
If you meet someone the conventional way and share your kinks with them. You’ve also got no way of knowing what that person is like until you play with them. Being part of a community means you can ask others about a prospective play partner.
If you’ve read this far and you realise it’s time to get kinky. Then it’s time to start making kinky friends, which WILL lead to kinky fun!
FetLife, the best place to start with the Fetish Scene
How to actually join the fetish scene
Let’s get right into it.
As I write this, I would say that the best place to start is FetLife.com. If you’ve not heard of it before then ‘Facebook for kinky people’ is probably the most apt description.
Don’t let the comparison to Facebook put you off. You don’t have to disclose any information about yourself if you don’t want to. At this stage, you can use it just to find out where your nearest meet-up is.
That’s where all this starts.
(Quick Note: As I write this in October 2020, it’s illegal in the UK for groups to be bigger than six people. I’m writing this guide from the perspective of everything being back to normal.)
Create an Account on FetLife
Head over to FetLife. On the joining screen, fill out some details.
- Nickname – Call yourself whatever you like. (Obviously don’t put your real name. You can also change it later if you like.)
- Gender – Choose what makes you feel the most comfortable.
- Sexual Orientation – Again, choose what suits you best.
- Role – Scroll through the list and choose the one that best fits you. (If you’re not sure what half of these terms mean then you can read the glossary here)
- Date of Birth – I’d suggest not lying about your age. Whilst you may be keen not to give away too many identifying factors about yourself. Once you meet real people, you may appear disingenuous if you’ve shaved off or added a few years. If you’re not comfortable putting your real age then just put ‘99’ or ‘100’. You’ll see that lots of people do this on FetLife.
- Location – Don’t worry if you’re not comfortable putting your real town/city, you could choose ‘Antarctica’ if you want. You can change this later, let’s just get you logged in.
- Email Address – If you’re not comfortable using your primary email address then feel free to create a new one just for this.
- Password – I’m sure you know how to choose a good password.
(Be aware that a few months down the line you’ll find FetLife to be an invaluable tool in keeping in touch with people and finding kinky events. Please don’t overlook any login details just because you’re new to FetLife and haven’t used your regular email address.)
Don’t worry about adding friends, uploading a photo or creating a witty profile. These things are entirely optional. All you need to do at this stage is to find your nearest meet-up.
Finding Your Nearest Fetish Meet-Up, Social or Munch
If you’re not sure what is meant by a Munch then it’s just the nickname for a meet-up for people interested in kink. It’s usually held in a pub or bar but can be in a restaurant, outside or even online. In more populated areas you get themed munches. One example is a computer games Munch.
Remember a Munch is just a meet-up, there won’t be any kink going on.
Some kink events also have their own socials, usually held a few days before the event itself.
Once you’ve had a little look around FetLife, it’s time to find your nearest Munch/social.
(Bear in mind that the layout of FetLife will probably change in the future but I’m sure you’ll still be able to find these options with a bit of looking.)
Before we go any further, Gentlemen, please don’t send sexual messages to women on FetLife. I’ll say it again, it’s harassment even if you believe you have good intentions. Don’t ever do it. FetLife isn’t a dating site, it’s an online community for kinky people. Be patient. You will meet someone.
Back to FetLife
Along the top, you should see a list of tabs. Tap or click on ‘Events’ and you’ll be greeted with a list of events near you.
(Don’t worry if you didn’t put your real location when you signed up. Just key in your real town from the options along the top – this won’t change the location you’ve set on your profile or tell anyone your real town.)
Take a look at the list. Find which one is nearest to you.
If you’re free at that time and can get to the location then tap/click on ‘I’m Going’.
Don’t worry if there aren’t many people down to attend or if you’ve looked at the attendees and they don’t seem like your type of people. This is just the first step.
(If you live in the South-East of the UK, then another great site for kinky events listing is LondonFetishScene.com, but as I write this FetLife is the go-to listing for Munches.)
Now you’ve found your nearest Munch… arrange to go along.
A Quick Word on Virtual Munches
Since ‘you-know-what’ happened in 2020 there has been a rise in Virtual Munches. Whilst I would recommend getting out into the real world, if it’s more practical for you to attend a Virtual Munch then that’s a great place to start.
(I’m sorry to say that as I write this I’m yet to attend a Virtual Munch so I can’t really give you much advice. One thing I will say is to use it in the same way you would a real-life Munch, that’s as a stepping stone to joining the fetish community.)
Reasons ‘not’ to go to a Munch
Munches are the best place to start out in the fetish scene… but I know the idea sounds scary
Does the idea of going to a kinky meet-up on your own sound terrifying? It’s ok, I was pretty nervous first time round! I had no idea what to expect. No idea what the people would be like. My biggest worry is that it wouldn’t lead to anything.
Six years later I have done everything on my kinky list. Honestly, everything! Like I said earlier and I’ll say it again, I’ve met lovely people and had so many kinky adventures. It all started with one Munch.
Do any of these concerns sound familiar to you?
“What if by chance I see someone I know at the Munch?“
If you do see someone you know at the Munch then they are attending for the same reason you are. There’s a code of conduct in the fetish community NOT to gossip. Chances are that they also don’t want the wider world knowing they’re at the Munch. It’s very, very unlikely that they’ll say anything.
I’ve been to countless munches, meet-ups, socials and fetish clubs and I’ve never once seen anyone I knew from my vanilla life. Never.
“What if someone I know sees me go in?“
It’s possible but they’re not going to know where you’re going. If they ask, then say “I’m meeting some friends”. Once again, of all the things I’ve ever been too, this has never once happened to me.
Think of the bigger picture. A year down the line when you’ve lived out your kinky desires, are you going to care if someone you know saw you go into a pub on your own, a year earlier?
“If it’s in a bar/pub, won’t the staff know why I’m there?“
Yes, they probably will. But they really don’t care. I’m willing to bet that the first Munch you go to would have been running for months if not years in the same place, at the same time.
It’s just a group of people with a shared interest. The staff are used to it and do not care. Again, just think of the bigger picture.
“Munches are just a load of people sitting around talking. That sounds boring! I want kinky fetish fun NOW!“
We’ll get there! This is about joining the community first.
It’s through these friends that you’ll hear about parties and events and that’s when the real kinky fun happens.
“What if I go and it’s just a load of people who aren’t my age, very few attendees and people I’ve got nothing in common with.”
Good! This is just the first step to joining the community. You will have something in common with everyone there. Kink!
Once you get out there, you’ll find your people.
“What if my friends find out I went?“
Unless you tell them directly then there’s no way they’ll ever find out. If they’re true friends then they’ll support your quest.
No one wants to lie to their friends but you really don’t have to tell them if you don’t want to.
“My nearest Munch is miles away! I’m not going that far!”
Back in the early days of the Podcast, I was amazed at how often this objection came up. You aren’t willing to drive or jump on a train or bus and travel a few miles in order to one day have all your sexual desires come true?
Just because your nearest Munch requires some travel is not a good enough reason not to go.
“What if people at the Munch all want to take photos and they end up online?“
There is a code of conduct at Munches and no one goes round taking photos. In the unlikely event that someone does, then the organiser should remind them not to.
“I’m really not good at talking to people I don’t know.“
That’s ok. Neither am I. You’ll find that most Munch attendees are welcoming and friendly. Chances are they’ll talk to you.
(Munch attendees warm to friendly new people because they remember what it was like when they first joined.)
“But I want to start my own online business, make a film, write a novel, travel the world and be incredible at contact juggling. I want all that stuff in place before I join the fetish scene?”
Maybe it was just me who thought all this!
It’s great to be ambitious but if kink means a lot to you and it’s an area of your life you’re not satisfied with. Then it might be worth getting this area covered.
You could always join the scene, meet a partner/s, make some good friends and then dip out to work on your ambitions knowing that you’re satisfied with this area of your life.
The kink scene will always be here.
These concerns are 100% valid. I felt the same. But honestly, none of my worries ever came true. Once you’ve met someone (or more likely several people) who share your kinks, a few months or even weeks down the line, you’re not going to remember any of these concerns.
Attending the Munch
Now you know the time and location then get ready to go.
You probably won’t meet anyone to play with at your very first Munch. I’ll say it again, this is just step one.
You can message the Munch organiser on FetLife with any questions. They may be willing to give you their phone number. Then you can call them when you’re outside the pub and they can come out and meet you.
Most Munches that are held in pubs are usually in their own dedicated room. Some are held in the corner of the pub.
At the Munch, please do…
- Talk to people! Ask non-intrusive questions about kink if you’re stuck for conversation.
- Be polite and courteous.
- Get people’s FetLife names. (If they’re on there… some will, some won’t.)
- Enjoy it!
- Get hammered!
- Expect kinky action straight away.
- Lie about your experience.
- Say that you’re only there because you’re writing a novel, you’re a journalist or that this is just one big art project and you’re only there as ‘research’. (Yes, I’ve heard people say those sorts of things.)
You might find that everyone just sits around talking about normal everyday subjects. This is the whole point of a Munch. It’s a great entry point for people interested in kink and a way to stay in touch with kinky friends.
Don’t feel like you need to go armed with lots of knowledge about kink and fetish either. That’s not to say there are not things you need to learn. There are incredible resources available in books and online.
You just need to get started.
This is worth repeating because it’s important. Get people’s FetLife names, and add them as friends either there and then on your phone or as soon as you get home.
I hope the Munch went well.
I’m guessing you just sat or stood around chatting. Maybe you didn’t really meet anyone you felt could be a prospective play partner.
Good! You went.
As I keep saying. This is just step one!
Don’t worry if you didn’t get people’s FetLife names whilst you were there. Go back on FetLife, and add some of the people from the Munch. You’ll be able to find them by going back to the event page.
Send them a message and say that it was good to meet them. I did this with every single person that I met, who I liked, when I first started out. This isn’t being slimy and using people. This is just showing respect for a community you want to be part of and its members.
And if you don’t get a reply then just leave it.
Now you can fill out your FetLife profile if you want. But you really don’t have to. If you do then gents, please don’t post a picture of your dick. It really doesn’t give a good impression.
Now find out when the next Munch is and make a promise to go. Then go to another, and then another and another. Arrange to meet up with people from the Munch, outside the Munch.
It’s during this process that you’ll start meeting more people, attending more events, getting more invitations and meeting more prospective play partners.
Seen a big event you want to go to? You don’t have to go on your own, you can ask some of your new-found kinky friends.
Consistency is the Key
This is a point I think is often overlooked.
Once you’ve been to a Munch, I’d advise not leaving it for another six months before you go to the next one. Same with going to Munches across a vast geographical area.
Be consistent, if you leave it months and months then you won’t make any lasting connections.
Just keep going to Munches and events. Meet up with kinky people outside the munch and enjoy it all!
Actually Meeting Someone To Play With and Share Your Fetishes
Have you noticed that I’ve not yet said about meeting a play partner. That’s because throughout this whole process of going to munches and events. You WILL meet someone.
People will get to know you and provided you are a decent and ethical person (which I’m sure you are) you will get people who want to play with you.
Be aware that you will have to do some initiating. Just don’t be a twat about it and don’t do anything until you get enthusiastic consent!
A Word on Meeting Someone Ethical
Throughout this post I’ve said about meeting someone decent and ethical. On the fetish scene most people are decent, respectful people but you do get the odd twat here and there. Please don’t let this put you off joining. The vast majority are lovely.
If you want to find out what someone is like then ask another member of the community. This isn’t being a gossip this is just seeking out a reference.
Use your own intuition and judgement too. I’ll say this again, please don’t be put off from joining the fetish scene. There are way more lovely people than there are dickheads. (And the dickheads really don’t stick around for long.)
Ready to get some kinky fetish fun?
TL;DR – Get on FetLife, find out where your nearest Munch is. Go along, make friends with kinky people and be part of that world and you will find a kinky partner!
If this worked for you then please let me know how it all went!
Send me a message on Instagram, leave a comment or send me an email on hello (at) the name of this website. (Can’t write it out for spam reasons.)