Kinky Posts

6 Pretty Useless Sex Tips

I’ve heard some pretty daft sex tips over the years. Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty of great, free advice out there on the internet. 

But there’s also some advice that… well I’’ll let you decide!

Here are some of the daftest ones I’ve heard.

(Also, I’ve thrown a wildcard into this list. One that isn’t true… see if you can spot it.)

1 – best way to cover up a rope mark or love bite

Get one of those thick, round, D or C sized torch batteries. (‘Flashlight’ as they say in the US). Take the flat end and rub the marked skin as hard as you can. This will even out the mark.

Bollocks! Yes this one does work and gets rid of the marks. Only because it creates an even bigger mark!

2 – Lick your partner’s eyelids!

I saw this on one of those late night Channel 4 shows when I was about 17.

Want to add something to your foreplay repertoire? Add in some eyelid licking!

What is that going to achieve? 

What if their eyes are closed, you lick a little bit too hard and slide your tongue straight on to their eyeball!

What if they’re wearing makeup?

Eye don’t think I’ll be trying this.

3 – Girls love a bit of light Tony Blair roleplay

Maybe I found this website once, saying how much girls love the Blairster.

If you’re not sure who he is, Tony Blair was the prime minister of the UK from 1997 to 2007. 

Fellas, if you can affect his slightly posh voice, recreate his trademark wide, toothy grin and talk to her about forgien policy, ASBO’s and the Good Friday Agreement then you’ll be in her in no time at all!

I’ve found this to be very effective! 

4 – Not sure what to do when licking a clit? Lick the alphabet!

I think the intentions behind this tip are good. It says that when you’re licking, spell out the alphabet with your tongue.

I suppose the idea is to keep your tongue going.  

But using the alphabet? 

If you are going to ‘lick the alphabet’ lick hard! Don’t lick like you’re writing out each letter delicately on a page in saliva.

5 – Girls, want to touch your man’s willy? Riffle through his pockets and pretend you’re looking for coins!

I think this one was part of a selection of tips in Cosmopolitan magazine.

The list started out well. As it went on I can’t help but think they started to run out of ideas. 

One of the tips was to rummage around for coins in your man’s pocket.

Can’t we just all be honest with each other? If a lady wants to touch her partner’s willy then just do it. No need for the coin searching facade.

How is this tip going to work nowadays? Who has change on them anymore? 

6- Fellas, about to cum? Shake your head around!

Ok… I’m going to be honest here. I’ve not tried this one so it might work.

The idea to stop you cumming to soon, just jiggle your head around.

Who’s got the presence of mind, when at the vinegar strokes, to shake their head around? Then what? Neck ache? A headache?  Followed by an explanation saying “but it says online that shaking my head around will stop me jizzing, luv.”

I suppose I can’t judge until I try it. Could try it now. I am writing this whilst on a National Express coach. I could pop into the loo. 

(I won’t!)


I think you might have noticed that the one about Tony Blair was a joke. But the others were true!

Have you ever tried any of these? There’s me poo-pooing these ideas but they may the most helpful sex tips ever invented. 

Do let me know. 


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